Ah...breastfeeding.
Can I just start by saying that breastfeeding is something that isn't really talked about a whole lot? I don't know if it is just me but this has been my experience...
Breastfeeding is one of the
hardest things I've ever had the
pleasure of doing. I'm beginning to think that one of the reasons I thought it was so hard is because I didn't really see it coming. Nobody talks about how hard breastfeeding is...nobody really talks about it at all. So there I was, thinking 'this aint no thing' when it is a very commendable accomplishment if you can get through it. This post is for all those moms out there that have breastfed/are breastfeeding, especially those who are planning to breastfeed and maybe for those who need to understand that these women need acknowledgment. You need to be applauded. Your feet need to be kissed and every knee should bow before you. I'm going to toot my own horn. I breastfed and I am PROUD of myself. Here is why...
The Very First Time
I can still remember the first time the nurse was teaching me how to choose that comfortable nursing position and get a proper latch. It wasn't easy but I still had my 'this aint no thing' attitude. I mean, please, I gave birth!
I remember the first time my son actually had a proper latch...okay...maybe this is a thing. But see, the pain isn't even half the battle. If only. You have to train your baby to want to eat and continue to eat all while training your body to produce milk and continue producing milk. It doesn't come easy. Again, nobody told me. I was determined to do whatever it took though.
The First Month: After Cracked, Sore and Bleeding Nipples
Well good, my baby knows how to latch, suck and get enough milk. That made me sooo happy. That made me the happiest mom in the world! I felt accomplished, needed and productive all at the same time. I was so happy that my tiny little baby was getting the best nourishment he could possibly get to grow and thrive. He needed ME and only ME. I was the only one who could feed him. And that felt so good! But it came with a price I had no idea moms had to pay. I don't know if I have a low tolerance for pain but breastfeeding hurt so bad, I loathed feeding time. I loathed looking at the clock knowing it had been two and half hours. I loathed my baby's hungry cry. It was like getting that sour taste in your mouth right before eating a sour candy. My nipples would literally start hurting before it even happened. Before that painful latch where my already throbbing nipples were so sore that I couldn't even stand to shower or clothe myself. But I kept going. When I didn't think I could stand the pain anymore, I kept feeding him. Weeks went by and everyone told me the pain would get weaker. I kept waiting. I kept crying every time I fed him. When I was with family I grabbed my nursing supplies and my baby, went to a secluded room and cried and cried while he ate. My husband was the only one that knew; he felt so helpless.
Aside from all of the pain was the lack of sleep. Newborns=no sleep. We all know that. How does that relate to breastfeeding being unbelievably hard? Well, because mom is the only food source, it hits her the hardest. She can't sleep longer than baby does. She can't take a break/go anywhere longer than baby sleeps. Anything that needs to get done/mom needs to do (heaven forbid, shower) has to fit into these tiny little feeding breaks. I love my baby, but there were times when I needed a break longer than two hours. I didn't have that option. I was still determined to keep going at this point, but I would be lying if I said I didn't start thinking 'how much different is formula, really?'
The Second Month: After the Nipples Start To Heal
Hallelujah! Things are starting to fall into place. It only hurts a little when I shower now and I don't have to put on so much numbing cream. Downhill from here right? Well, that's what everybody told me. I'm sure every mom's experience is different. I would like to think I was being tested or something and I'm sure other mom's have felt this way too. Second month breastfeeding struggles for me included:
-Lactating all over the place when I didn't ask my boobs to create milk (therefore, changing breast pads all too often)
-Feeling like Dolly Parton.
-Discovering the usefulness of a pump but because I was exclusively breastfeeding, it was too hard to use. If I pumped before feeding him, I didn't have enough milk for his feeding. If I pumped after, I didn't pump enough for it to be worth it. I just couldn't win. The pump found its usefulness in my life a little later.
-And many more minuscule reasons that were hardly deal breakers
The hardest one this month? Playing the experiment game and not being able to eat what I want.
The second month of breastfeeding, my son became extremely sensitive to everything I ate. It got to the point where he was so gassy and uncomfortable that I tried cutting out ALL dairy products. It was a lot harder than I thought but I was willing to do whatever it took to give my baby the best. Well, when my baby was still extremely fussy and irritable for another week, we decided he didn't have an intolerance to dairy. And so we went on, cutting certain foods out of my diet until we decided that there was no noticeable difference and mom needed her comfort foods! Our doctor told us to just wait it out. "These things usually just have to run their course. His digestive system will eventually mature." Eventually?! Okay really, how terrible is formula?
The Third Month: Overproduction
Okay, now we can truly celebrate that my nipples are totally numb so I really only feel a tug when he eats. Phew! Turns out "eventually" doesn't have to mean too long. My baby's digestive system was starting to mature and we finally mastered a sleeping schedule. I could now eat what I want and pump here and there to get a nap in and let hubby take over. Everything is great! Well, you probably guessed that something this month is going to go wrong and you are right! I don't know what it was due to (maybe the not "hospital grade" pump? Sorry...can't afford thousands of dollars) but my milk started coming in way too fast. So fast, my son couldn't eat without choking the first few minutes. When we pegged it to overproduction, I was just frustrated and thought I couldn't go anymore. I was ready to give up. Three months is a long time to last! I couldn't shake this feeling that I was letting my baby down. I got his first sample of formula from a friend. I made the bottle and cried a little bit while it was warming up. I'm a failure. As I put the bottle in my son's mouth, a sour look crept upon his face and I couldn't take it. I removed the bottle immediately and did what any mom in this digital age would do. I googled my problem. What to do when your milk comes out too fast...
I stumbled upon what looked like the perfect solution. It was a new nursing position. From then on, every morning, I fed my son laying down and it worked perfectly...until month four.
The Fourth Month: Underproduction
This month I really found out that everyone has an opinion. Everybody has something to say like your body is their body. Like your baby is their baby. Maybe they are just trying to help. Maybe I'm just young and don't know things. Or maybe it's none of their business. Last month I was producing too much milk. This month, on a particular feeding time, my son started to cry after feeding on my breast for five minutes. I thought, must be a weird feeding time. Must be a weird day? Week? Okay...what's going on? Oh, now I have an underproduction problem? We continue on this uphill battle of breastfeeding.
So I began supplementing. And this time, not because I wanted to give up, because I didn't want my baby to starve. He took well to the formula I bought this time. I didn't feel like a failure. I felt like a mom who tried her hardest. I did what everyone with an opinion told me to do. I bought expensive milk production herbs. I ate the right foods. I drank so much water I felt sick. But my body didn't have enough and my baby needed more. This was starting to work. I primarily breastfed and he occasionally had a bottle of formula. Throughout the month though, primarily breastfed turned into half and half and that turned in to 'well at least I feed him in the morning and pump at night.'
But this month, guess what I decided? My baby is almost five months old and despite my body's struggles to produce milk, I am still breastfeeding! Am I going to quit? No. Will my body? Maybe. But that's okay! That's what nobody tells you about breastfeeding; that it's okay! I'm proud of myself. To all those mothers who lasted a month, a week or however long, it's okay! Don't beat yourself up. Don't let everyone with an opinion tell you what you should have done. For those mothers who didn't breastfeed, it's okay! Don't let the one's with an opinion tell you that you don't love your child. Breastfeeding is hard. I've never had boobs that sagged so much and created back problems. I've never had to endure like this before but I will say this: I've never known the love and connection I receive from my baby through breastfeeding. I've never known how good it felt to be needed when I was the only one those first couple of months that could satisfy his hunger. I've never known how it feels to have your sweet baby look up at you and choose to stop and smile at you instead of eat. I've never known how it feels to see your baby growing healthy and strong and know it was because of ME. I've never known the bond that could be created through breastfeeding. Until now.
And that's why it is worth it.
So next time you see a mom out there who mentions that she is breastfeeding, commend her. Look up to that beautiful woman because it's not as easy as you would think.
Here are a series of P.S's that I feel need to be mentioned..."
(No names will be mentioned here...)
P.S #1
MALE quote: "Formula hasn't always been around. So how do you think women fed their babies before?" Okay, thanks for the condescending rebuttal to my supplementing problem but first off, no boobs, no opinion. And secondly, as history has shown, things change. There are countless women out there who literally cannot breastfeed for a variety of reasons. So yes, it is possible to have a shortage of milk and no, I'm not just pretending my body ran out. I wish I was.
P.S #2
Luckily, I never felt engorged but most women do. So add that to the list because apparently it's pretty painful!
P.S #3
Many breastfeeding moms will probably be able to add a lot more struggles to this "experience list," (mastitis, teething and breastfeeding, stuffy nose while breastfeeding, etc) and rewards (seriously, the connection you have to your little one)!
P.S #4
I am grateful for everyone who supported me and told me to keep going because it's what was best. Lack of support is a huge reason that women stop breastfeeding. I want everyone to know that I'm a huge proponent of breastfeeding, I'm just trying to be realistic so maybe I can help at least one future mommy out there. I would like to know before a huge ton of bricks get dropped on my head. You know...to prepare! But as previously mentioned, you will never know how worth the experience it is!
